Connection and Breaking It Down
My eyes well as I write this. A number of people responded with concern to my posting last night. With reference to my afore mentioned habitrail, I woke up and checked email, and the sweet insights and suggestions gave me pause once again, I think I am working on many paws just about now. A humble, many-legged animal.
As a result today was a small breakthrough day. I know I need to break it down. I need to look at all those parts of my life that conspire to be me, and I need to place a magnifying glass on each of them. I started doing this with my creative self today-scared as I was I placed the magnifying lens on the hotspot of Saltwater and it did not incinerate in the sun, (Did you do that as a kid too? Little bits of paper under an old fashioned magnifying glass, beaming the fury of the sun onto the defenseless scrap while you, God in that moment, watched it curl and burn). It conversely became cold and clear, at least little parts of it.
It will unfold in its time. I need to wrap myself around this, or not and let it go.
I need to be honest with this large, beautiful, horrifying, will pay off, needs to be made in its own way and time, multilayered, siren song, will be born when she needs to be born larger than me and my life thing called Saltwater. Just writing this makes me feel better.
OK-I just got horribly interrupted by the continuing construction that is still going on here at 10pm to get the fucking backstairs ready for a City flunky to come over and sign off on this joke called a condo conversion inspection. While the work may be good, and the folks have been sweet, this has been a poorly organized job. Not only is it 10pm, but they need to get back in by 7:30am to beat the inspectors by 8:30am to finish something. So phone calls, and favors and keys have been flying. And I hear the truck pulling away at 10:01 and I will see them tomorrow at 7:30am. And I have the privilege of paying top dollar for all of this.
I wouldn’t be so incensed if this weren’t for the fact that I am hemorrhaging my equity, (I know I am lucky to have equity given who I am and what I do) and that at the end of this insane journey, complying with the City and other arbitrary bodies of injustice, I may even be forced to sell my home. It is simply a grand head fuck.
While the world ravishes itself I sit in San Francisco and fight with myself. The good news is one of my students who, as a reservist in the military, was about to be sent to Afghanistan just got released from his duty and can stay here and stay in my class. The hard news is another student, in the same class, has been called back to testify in a International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda to help build a case against the man who killed his family and shot him.
I am still determined to break it all down.
