Creative

I rarely read anything I post, but given that I am embarking on a project that revolves around planned change to move forward, I just re-read what I posted last night and came up with the idea that I might try to tackle each of the areas of my life, making a first sketch of a plan, over a number of evenings. Take one on at a time, unlike my usual approach to try to tackle it all at once.

But before I start on this sensible task let me reflect on today. Woke up with the familiar dread, but have more facility to say hello to it and move on, taking care of the things that I need to get done to feel human, good, worth spending time on earth for. Gorgeous fall weather and a house that is returning to normalcy has helped beyond my own expectations. As the construction has almost wound up, I have been motivated to pull the house back together; getting rid of piles in the hallway, put the living room back together, put all my clothes away, make my bed every morning. And Laurie scrubbed and waxed the kitchen floor.

I am usually a very tidy person, mess and hatful objects, especially when they are out of place, drive me nuts. I have a whole persnickety relationship to stuff and mess, it has been an ongoing theme in my family’s life, holding onto stuff, while one of my dearest desires is to get rid of everything that I don’t want, don’t need and don’t like and to know exactly where everything is at, and that there’s not much of it. Of course I contradict myself, I have had the opportunity to say that I don’t want things on many occasions, but then when it came to leaving, passing on an object or saying no to acquiring an object I find myself instantly shifting my relationship to that object and all of a sudden ascribing worth to that object. So sadly, and profoundly human.

My mother proved herself through her objects; she desired that we could see her by looking at the objects she accumulated around her. She was very discerning and did own many desirable things that she found often cast off as other peoples’ junk, she was a shred collector, but the disease became non-critical later in her life and while she had many worthy, beautiful and often valuable things around her, they were suffocated by the duplicates, triplicates and crap of no value. It became a mountain of mess. I am still clearing up bits of it eight years after her death.

Oh my, that was a tangent. But part of what I am, and have been thinking about for quite a while, is to carve out my most precious commodity, time, to consider every object I own and either embrace it and put it in its proper place, or let it go.

I know this is a metaphor for my whole life. An obvious one, but one worth taking care of.

So which section of my life shall I outline tonight…the most pressing, and as I write this there are so many most pressing, but the one that preoccupies me the most is the creative. So I will begin…scary…

My creative life:

Saltwater is a gem but fraught with contradictions and lack of major funds. I need to make a list of the to dos and feelings I have around this seminal project and learn to be OK with where it is at. I have learned I cannot force this one, unlike other projects where my will, my charisma, my ability to raise money, my ability to make something out of nothing, my confidence, can make it happen. This is on a much, much, much larger scale, and that is one of the things that may change. I may take my script and my resources and my know how and make a very little indie, something I know how to make.

But what ever happens, she will happen in her own time, and while I hate that, it frustrates and humiliates me, it is the right approach.

There are so many things I need to resolve around this film project: my professional and public connection to it and my ego, the viability of me raising the kind of funds I believe we need, considering the people who I have already attached to the project and whether we are the right team and what to do to create the right team, selling the script and letting go, pushing ahead into new arenas fearlessly, waiting for the economy to stabilize and trying again…this is all part of a very complex and living project that I need to come to terms with. I need to really break this one down, and I also need to embrace that if we have not raised production funds by November 15th it means another year. BREAK THIS DOWN-WRITE MORE-TALK IT THROUGH WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

And then alongside Saltwater are all of the other creative projects that I have, including this. I think this bolg and ilog may be doing more for my juices and dopamine level than any other project in a long time. I feel excited about this, dread, fear and look forward to it, it is on my mind on and off all day, I am in love and I have missed this simple passion. And who knows where this will go.

And then the documentary about my Mom and her life and death, which has the focus of what does it mean to live an unexamined life. I could throw myself into this if I put some other things to bed, do I really want to do this?

And of course my beloved de Young project which is an odd hybrid of creative, professional and financial.

Other projects; am I missing the new media boat? I have been doing institutional quality media installation work on commission for years and never got my PR shit together to promote or claim my territory. Should I now?

But I think writing is at the root of much of what I do next

The reality is I do have to work to support myself and that is a good chunk of most of  our lives I cannot do it all. This is a lesson in laying it out and making choices. Again.

This is a first bumbling step. Feels yucky and good at the same time.

More to come.