Fuck It I'm 50

I have no heart for this. I just want to space out and watch a movie. But if I do this, post my pictures, and make dinner then I can watch that movie and feel OK about myself in the morning.

I passed on my many generous offers for Thanksgiving today and it feels right. Instead I cleaned my house, rode my bike, went to the gym, took Lefty to the park, did laundry and the dishes, did some school admin and family catch up and started the deeper clearing out that follows breaks ups.

I woke up this morning with a calm wonder of what was to come. And then I noticed through my curtains a crow landing in the three-story pine in my backyard. Crows don’t generally land in 1-that tree and 2-anywhere but the top. But there it was, and given a crows normal grace and command, it was perched awkwardly about two stories up, on a swaying branch, cawing. I was so surprised I grabbed my glasses to make sure it was a crow doing this odd thing. Yep, a crow.

I love crows. Many years ago one of my ex husbands best friends who was visiting us told me that when ever she saw a crow, or heard a crow, it was a portent of bad things to come. She was so pre goth. At that moment I defied that statement and said to myself that whenever I see or hear a crow it is a portent of good things to come. And I have believed my own mythology to this day.

And I have seen crows do some pretty shitty things, like knock baby birds out of nests and then swoop down to eat them live, (I saved one fledgling once at Grants home in DC much to the horror of my Dad and brother) And now I live in a big crow colony neighborhood and couldn’t be happier. I look for them every morning when I walk Lefty and watch them play the thermals at the park at the top of the hill.

And my black winged visitor this morning gave me solace I have taken though the day.

Lee and I had coffee and sweet words and parting hugs and he left on the dot at 9am.

On his way out he mentioned how people can be soul mates and yet not get along.

I slid into my day and got little, myriad things done.

I took fall pictures for Laurie and had fun doing it.

I came home and felt cleaning my house was more important that eating with groups of people right now.

I have made a pact with my friend Laura to lose 5-10 pounds by the end of the year.

I was very quite in-between loving phone calls. I have this flat to myself for the first time in a really long time.

And I love the stillness of these big holidays. And the weather and the light complied today. After the brilliance and beauty of yesterday, there has been that diffused, there is rain coming, kind of light all day that adds a sweet melancholy to the atmosphere.

And then I was dusting and sweeping the hallway and came across the installation come shrine come old phone niche in the wall and noticed that it was a symmetrical representation of me and Lee, with symbols of hope for Saltwater in the middle. Lovely, if a little hippyish.

I knew it had to go.

Now it is just the central desecated frond heart with the rusted nail it was originally found with, thrust through its middle, and now nailed to the middle of the alcove with the rusted horseshoe, which was upright at the bottom on the shelf, now upside down on the ledge above.

I am hoping to release luck-I googled it.

The symbols and icons of Lee and I are removed, to be relocated to an as yet undetermined place.

Now I am going to make a non-turkey or gravy, or cranberry sauce, or ham or yam or pumpkin pie dinner and watch a dumb movie all by myself.