Fuck It I'm 50

And that is I really under perform around certain personality types.

As I think about this I look back and recognize times when I get so anxious that I become half, or less than half of myself. I once worked for a guy in Marin who was so overbearing and belittling that I made the most ridiculous mistakes, things that the thinking me would never make. But certain personality types, usually aggressive, insecure and scared people make me go into submissive, tail between my legs, you’re right, even if your wrong, and of course it’s all my fault mode. And when I am feeling like this I get very confused and act very stupid.

Well there is another one of these characters in my life. It was interesting as I tracked my feelings about them today. First of all I was ambushed, they showed up unannounced in the workplace, and while in fact I was wondering what I was going to be doing with myself on my first day back with no direct leadership, they eagerly supplied it.

I was so happy to have a dumb, but what I thought was necessary job, something I knew I could do to keep the waters as calm as I could while completing what I thought was a necessary task, (though I have since found out from some email exchange might not have been the best use of my time today…). I checked partitions on 20+ computers today and wrote up functionality reports. It was kind of OK, if a little humiliating, to be doing such a remedial task. But once again, I learned a bit.

But I transgress. Odd jobs in empty cold labs aside, what I noticed was how I feverishly tired to please and appease this person and how I became incredibly anxious when this person was around me for three short periods today.

For my own set of fucked up reasons I was already wound up about going into my 8am shift, and just to compound it, I got bummed rushed as soon as I got there. Kind of happy to get some direction, and I did in fact work my butt off while I ate muffins, (yes, comfort food for hard times), I was still very aware of my ill ease.

Long and boring story short, after two brief and unscheduled encounters between 8am and 11am I knew that I would be reporting back on my task at 2:30. This is where the sick part kicks in. Though I do not respect or like this person and feel like this person makes unnecessary waves in otherwise calm ponds stirring up all kinds of unnecessary shit, I, for what ever set of deep seated personal reasons, (appeasement of the parents perhaps?) was fiercely driven today to perform beyond this persons expectations. And I know I could do it if they weren’t there and I was going to whale on the job, and wail I did.

Sure enough the hungry dog, (full of muffins?) got thrown a bone, my work was noted and approved of. But the other thing I noted was that as soon as they showed up at their appointed time at 2:30 to check in with me I could feel my confusion and mild panic settle in just from hearing their voice from the other room, I could feel my anxiety increase, I started feeling out of control. Thank goodness I only had one computer left to test.

I marveled at how I was responding to all of this. Here I am, a 50 year old woman with a solid, if sad, sense of self right now. And this person who I don’t like or respect could spin me into such a tizzy of self negation and self doubt.

I realize I have been doing this for years. That certain types of people can shut me down, make my mind numb, scare me. My friend Cynthia is asking people for their intentions for 2010, and one of mine is to never let other people let me, or anyone else be bullied into feeling less than they are.

And then I went to pick up Laurie from the airport and it was raining-again, and I took these pictures in the cell phone parking lot because the plane was late and I had my cell phone in the cell phone parking lot.

Isn’t that what you’re meant to do?