Hovering
Woke up with the dread, but as the day went on the old comfy feeling of buoyancy and optimism started to flow through me.
My first thought was to notice the acute anxiety I have been experiencing over the last few months, sharply defined and contained like a rain drop, had joined many other raindrops inside of me, pooling into a small pond of low level depression. It was a lovely metaphor for me and gave me comfort. When I told my friend Veva about it she said that maybe it was because I was not using the anxiety to cover the real feelings. I liked this, seeing the dark pool inside of me as my feelings that it is OK to dive into and swim through to get to the other side of the pond, where my favorite landscapes live, an arid desert in the midst of a low costal mountain range.
All this feels so familiar in a very good way.
And what did I do with all this good energy? I got a shit load of work done. I went to the gym. I took my camera in to get a firmware problem taken care of (thank you DHL). I took pictures from my car. I made a ton of phone calls. I hung out for a nano second with my roommate and dog. I wrote hard emails and crossed some personal and professional bridges.
I did things that seemed insurmountable yesterday.
I should also add that I started getting a little bit of a cosmic shout back too. I talked to my friend, fellow filmmaker and boss on sabbatical, (head of the cinema department at City College), and after having read my three page narrative for the doc I am working on and having looked at the trailer told me she thought there was a very good film in there. Yes, in there, but there. I teared up and got a few goose bumps at the same time.
And then, getting ready for the big BETA TEST at the de Young tomorrow I am yammering away on the phone with my fantastic software guy, Kiyo, blabbing about the exit poll that we need to write for tomorrow and he casually says, “Oh yeah, I finished the wire frame, it’s ready to go and it’s really cool…”. It stopped me in my tracks, they like it! Even more they think it’s cool and is a great fit for their technology. I have been so anxious about what I have been producing for this tour that this was like heaven to hear. I am thrilled and elated. But I am waiting until tomorrow until I let myself get really excited, or contemplative as the case may be.
I feel like I should reference the tragedies of the world, there are so many of them, my heart hurts when I listen to the news, but I come back to 1- this is a place for my personal intentions and revelation and 2-I am being a more productive and happier person that will contribute to the world in a bigger and better way through this process.
Enjoy the sunshine, the birds, the wide-open road and the rainbow.
