Frozen
Woke up that way, still that way, might go to bed that way.
I think today is the fall out of just being too damn busy and not having any days off, almost never. My friends, roommates, and past partners can verify this-I never take any fucking time off. I wake up every day thinking about what I need to get done, not about what I might do.
And this daily beautiful albatross doesn’t help.
The thing is it really is the way I want my life to be-to be creating every day, moving ahead everyday, imagining new worlds every day, reshaping and refining the path every day.
But some days I just want to be lazy, at least let my mind and attention be lazy. Drift around and go to a museum. Then maybe the gym. Perhaps a long walk on the beach with Lefty. A nap just because, not to recharge the batteries to do more. Drinks with a friend. Watch a movie. Cut the dog’s nails-opps, a task. But you get my drift. All those down time things that some of the other people I know do.
And I am missing being intimate, having that person who I know I can call and cry to, that person I can sleep with and have sex with, that person that you cook for and eat with.
I don’t know where this is all leading, but I do know it’s going to get tougher in the next month, the work schedule that is, and may even accelerate after that. I need to find and plat my ongoing, happy coping mechanisms before the flood of the near future.
Today sucked.
I did go to the yoga workshop and learned more about poses and breath and body. I did go out at sunset and take pictures of our almost spring like sky at dusk. I did make some calls and read half a screenplay. And I am not at dinner with my dear, and old friend Terri somewhere on Divisadero because I feel lethargic, off my game, (what ever that is) and very not interesting or interested.
Terri, if you read this, excuse me. And I know you are having a wonderful happy birthday celebration. I will be in touch.
Now that I think about it I may feel like I am in the eye of the storm, and I’ve got to be brave and leave this little moment of calm and enter the whirlwind around me, swim through it, catch what ever I can on the way out, and arrive safe and ready on the other side. Fortunately I have a bunch of little life rafts, little robust dinghies, bobbing out there past the fierce storm ready to scoop me up and paddle away into the next chapter.
And as I see this metaphor more clearly one of the problems is there are at least four, or maybe make that five, of these sturdy little life rafts bouncing around waiting for me, and I need to coral them and have them turn into one big well manned ship so that we are sharing our resources and all sailing in the same direction on the same vessel.
Good idea to eat dinner now, watch a documentary, and go to bed early.
Full fuck force ahead tomorrow, big weeks ahead.
Breath.
