A Twofer

Or two for one, that is both today’s and yesterday’s posts. Just as I was getting ready to head down to post in the lobby yesterday, (see posting below for reference) Wendy and Faith called me and told me they were picking me up NOW and I needed to be downstairs ASAP. I figured I could try to post from the restaurant the closing festival party was at so I dragged my computer along, but no luck.

At a certain point you just have to let it go and that’s hard for me. I feel compelled to do this everyday because I said I would, and it feeds my compulsive nature. It’s interesting to think about though, because not posting stirs up all kinds of shitty emotions. I think this is interesting to think about because I think it points to the underlying issues of critical self-assessment that I am going through in my life right now. These emotions include guilt-I am not fulfilling a promise to myself and others, self doubt-why am I doing this blog, or any of the things I have chosen to do in my life right now, lost confidence – this daily writing about my life forces me to question the worth of my life, my ability to make compelling work and the odd and yet public self absorption this blog is.

I think the feeling that stands out the most for me is the guilt feeling, which is closely related to a feeling like I am doing something wrong. And this, now that I think about it, is also related to the self-absorption feeling. Who the fuck cares about me and my endless doubt and worry, and even more, why should anyone care? I am glad I have asked this question, because as I write it I think I know the answer. Because most of us have similar feelings and thoughts and there is something cathartic about knowing that others know your inner your darkness themselves.

They have just requested that I turn my computer off while we land. I will wrap this up at home, I am eager to be home…

And now I am home.

I have an early day tomorrow and feel like the walking wounded just about now. Too much rich food, anxious about this week, upended about my life in general, and trying to hold onto the feeling I had most of yesterday that something very good is about to break.

I am happy I went to the Sedona Film Festival even though it was an odd and occasionally uncomfortable time. Getting away always gives you a perspective on your life, and what I saw this time was my 50 year old self in the light of potential, access and resource rich privilege, and that it really is up to me to corral all this potential and move ahead with deep belief and assurance that I am using my resources wisely to achieve what I think is relevant in the world.

I bring away the desire to simplify, clarify and keep my own counsel on more things. I need to be attentive and thorough, kind to myself and others, healthy and ready for the days, months and years ahead.

Wow, what a ranging around post. Feels fragmented, but then I’m fragmented right now.

On too some pictures…I think I will post festival stuff from yesterday and the day before-see notes below, and then post landscapes of the unbelievable Sedona landscape tomorrow. Enjoy.

2/27/10

OK…

…I know the postings from the Sedona Film Festival have been spotty. It has been an access and timing obstacle course. I can hardly get enough wifi connection to post, I am writing at weird times and often after having had a glass of wine, and people keep showing up and needing to go places. It’s been a little like herding friendly cats.

With that said, I think I will try to call this post quits-I am home tomorrow night to my recently depraved dog and my roommate, yes, Lefty, according to Laurie was, and I quote via email, “From 4:30 this morning on, Lefty has been playing CUJO, waking me up, growling a bit, dragging me out of bed. I’ve never seen anything like it. Earthquake weather? She’s circling me right now whimpering and growling. We just went out, so it can’t be that. I’ll take her out to the porch in the sun. Odd.” And this was before Laurie, but not Lefty knew about the massive earthquake in Chile.

I am going to head down to the lobby to get some damn internet access so I can post some damn pictures and get ready to go out to the closing Sedona Film Festival party.

PS-I shook Micheal Moore’s hand last night and thanked him for his filmmaking before his surprise gracious speech to the crowd at the party, and before he sang Peace Train. I shot video on my phone which I will try to post and link to later, and we got to see “Poliwood” with a Q and A with Rich Schiff and Tim Daly who I feature here on the ilog if I can this thing posted.

Meanwhile, back in Liseland, waking up to shredded sense of purpose, to be recaptured in a lunchtime conversation with Wendy about her really focusing on producing and getting some films made.

A special hello to Lee, nice talking to you today, and fyi, no rejections today.