Fuck It I'm 50

And the countdown continues and I am feeling sad and unanchored today with the idea of losing this.

The weather here is cold and mostly grey, the fog only lifting after 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

I am feeling small and burdened by the enormity of what I have to pull off in the next two weeks; even my Uncle Ralph told me today that he doesn’t know how I do all that I do, while I sit here in my life and chastise myself for never doing enough. I know he is right, I am trying to do too much, a boring lament at best.

How do people with kids, or hobbies, or serious spiritual practices, or horses, do it? In all honestly I can say I guess they don’t do it the way I do it which seems to be coveluted and always time consuming.

And of course there are ways I have control over what I do and how I schedule my time. I am locked into a full stride, at least through late August, but by mid September I likely have some control over how I do what I do.

But honestly, I know myself. If something I think is interesting, or a great opportunity, or lucrative, or enables me to better chase a dream, my instinct and my nature is to grab the opportunity and add it to my dance card.

One thing I do have to report is dear Laurie and Ron are in the kitchen cleaning up after out shared dinner. Funny, I know these eavesdropping reports were flavor of the day a month or so ago, but it feels like ancient history, and it is fun to have this back. All of us, Ron and I extremely, have been so busy and anxious and responding like the hybrid beast of hungry coyote, come scared rabbit, come fierce Mama bear, which makes you myopic on your path, excluding all else to the point of not knowing you are in, in this case a new, tender relationship.

But our relationship has only grown more with it’s strapped on work boots, medical and business compromises. If we can get through this and still laugh like heck together, I think we may well be talking to each other, perhaps even loving each other fiercely, after this not so easy honeymoon period.

All this romantic musing in context-we really did finally spend some time together today. He came over last night, and I was over at his after my opening on Thursday. When we woke up together late today, super late for him, we laid and talked for three hours.

It was beautiful.

And after working throughout the afternoon I picked him up for a walk on Bernal with Lefty and then a visit to a secret place of his, a SF mini park at 25^th and Minnesota that I have never seen before, that is small, hidden and very well taken care of, even with the guy shooting up in the bushes.

And I need to jolt out of somewhat laid back land and jump in fully to the next two weeks to get ready for returning to City College and producing and shooting Replikaaa, the SiFi short I am helming. And I have to finish my laborious and time intensive text installation and I need to start fucking adapting my lifestyle to take better care of myself.

Good lord, I could not do all of this without the support of the key people in my life, as Laurie and Ron cackle next door in the kitchen.

Scott dropped by today, and I talked to Susan yesterday. I am thankful for my friends and family today and feel fully supported.