Love
Having it around us makes our lives brilliant.
I woke up angry and frustrated after one of the worst nights sleep in months. I was at Ron’s, and I have to admit, without the passion of a fun overnight, it is an uncomfortable and odd place to sleep. He lives like the quintessential bachelor real live/work sapce, and while I admire him for that given his life circumstances and his devotion to his work that allows him to largely ignore his domestic surroundings, I have to wonder where the man can be relaxed and comfortable in his own home/shop. But it doesn’t worry him as far as I can tell, so I will just let this one be.
But after getting home at a little after 8am and needing to get so much done, and feeling like a wild eyed bag lady, which is what I look like after too little sleep, I just sat down, and well got a lot done. I plunged right in. This comes on the tail end of a handful of scary days feeling like I am out of control and will never meet the necessary expectations of my current producing job, my personal and financial life is a wreck, both me and my dog are grossly under exercised and I still need to finish my installation at the Gallery and we’re looking at least 50-60 hours of work between now and mid/late August, oh yeah, and school starts on the 13th, and oh yeah, we go into three days of intense production on the 14th…but nonetheless I plunged right in and got a lot done.
I don’t have time to be distracted or freak out. Oddly I am up to the end of March, beginning of April in editing my blog for the text installation, and I was going through the same kind of pragmatic, take care of business, take no prisoners, ignore the demons, accept that you are tired attitude back then. But if I remember correctly, while I was fine in the big push to completion and meeting (false as it turned out) deadlines, when I was done I had that horrible thing happen to my hand that has only, 10 weeks later, almost recovered, yet not fully. And I haven’t done much to change my environment to prevent it from happening again, and I am back in the same manic, compulsive stress loop.
So the blog has been a good touchstone for me, but have I taken heed?
Hell no.
But the point of tonight is love. As challenged as I was going into today, yet being present, working hard and putting it out there and not retreating, which was my waking instinct, paid off; and the message in the pay off was love.
If I nurture and love, I will be nurtured and loved in return.
Most of this exchange can through mutual work respect today, but also through being present and honest with a few people.
I realized as Laurie and I were re-stinging the grind lines at the Gallery this afternoon, (talk about love, thank you Laurie) I realized that my uncomfortable night, hours of light sweats and insane anxiety dreams might be do in some part to, I even hate to write it, para-menopause. I have slept warm all my life and can get a little sweaty, especially after late food and drink, but last night was different. It was long and persistent and really uncomfortable in an uncomfortable environment.
My heart sank as I said out loud to Laurie what had been on my mind in the middle of the night. I hate this, I don’t want it to happen, and even if it’s not now, it is coming and just like my mortality and eventual demise, I have to accept it.
And saying it out loud, first to Laurie, and then to Ron, who were both patient and sweet and accepting, was the manifestation of love.
And that’s my love story for today.
