Fuck It I'm 50

Revving up and winding down, looking forwards and backwards at the same time: it’s an exhausting, but exhilarating feeling at the same time.

It’s moments like these when I feel closer to the answer of the way of the universe, acknowledging that time and space, future and past are all here now and that in the most perfect world for us stunted humans is to be in the presence of this multidimensional concept, because we can not comprehend it, we can merely sense it. I think some people call it god, others call it physics. I call it hyper awareness and it is a feeling bigger than being in my aching and tired body, or being in a moment of happy connection with others. And right now I am feeling its omni-present multidimensionality.

I remember a moment nine years ago when I bumped into Dore, a dear and respected friend, in the Mission. My mother was dying and I was in the zone, and she asked me how I was doing. Dore is one of the smartest people I know and I knew I could spill my guts, in the proverbial sense, but also in the from my real guts sense and she would get it. So I said something like this: “While I watch my mother die I know that there is no defined past, present or future, no forward or backwards in time or place, no up down or sideways, but that all of this is happening simultaneously and that out limited perception keeps us on this forward and time based path. We understand time and our own aging in this very linear way, it all pushes ahead relentlessly, but being with the dying somehow gives us a glimpse into other possibilities. I don’t think we come back, but I think there is an eternal nature that exists that is not time and dimensionally driven. There is, or perhaps are, many more ways of being in time, space and mortality than we can know about given our perception of the world, godspace and universe”.

Just look at a dead star, black hole, or a nebulae and you have to admit there is more out there than us, more intelligence than we can comprehend. We are limited, but thankfully beautiful to oursleves.

And all the above has almost nothing to do with my day.

I learned a lot from my dearest friend Virginia, thank you, may the words above be a corn on the cob for you.

And then I worked like a good pitbull on Tayeb’s film; we are forming a shape out of a jelly mass of ideas and curious people, it is hard and entrancing.

Ron and I got together at 8pm to drive, in my once again ailing car, to Jays’ 41^st birthday dinner, and that was fun as we met them for birthday cake because we were too late for dinner: we had to go because he had put my name on the cake, that being his nature, since my birthday is, yep in five days away…and speaking of shelf life, mortality, time space continuums, this, the FIFF blog thing, is  going away in four days.

I am happy and…and I don’t know what.

But what I do know is there is a little dog that needs to get walked and a Ron, who almost never spends the night because his work day ends so very late and starts so very early is here and I need to be there, in the simple human setting called my bedroom.